On Competitiveness & Self-Worth

How internalized ableism showed up as competitiveness

Disability and Determination is a weekly newsletter about my experience navigating life with a rare disability. If you like this post, feel free to give a click on the ❤️ symbol below. This will help me get discovered by others on Substack. To be notified of future posts, drop your email in the field at the bottom and click the Subscribe button. If you’d like to further contribute, I also offer a paid subscription option (that includes extra monthly content), or you can Buy Me a Coffee ☕ I’m glad you’re here ☺️

---

[Image Description: A small trophy is featured against a white background. The top is gold with a curved piece coming out of each side. The base the gold goblet sits on is black.] Credit: Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

I’ve never considered myself a very competitive person. I like playing games and things like that, but I didn’t think I ever felt this overwhelming desire to win.

Turns out…I do. But not for the reasons a lot of people do, I don’t think. Or maybe they do? My desire to win games, to get good(ish) grades, etc. stemmed from the belief that if I didn’t win or if I wasn’t the best at some things, that I had no self-worth.

I couldn’t do sports. I was never going to run the fastest mile or play on a winning softball team. What I could excel at (or try to) were games, tests, school, reading—anything like that. I felt that I had to show people I was smart because that was the only way they would see my worth as a human. That that’s the only way they would look past my disability. Maybe I could be known as “the smart one” instead of the “disabled one”.

I didn’t want to have a bunch of trophies or accolades, but I wanted to feel like I was worth something—and winning or being the “best” was the only road that I saw to get myself there. I

Thanks to a very kind friend, I have a membership to Duolingo, a language learning app. I’m working on relearning Spanish. One of the features of this game is there are different “leagues” you get put in depending on how many experience (XP) points you acquire. There’s also a 1st, 2nd and 3rd place trophy and bonus points you can win. Even with something as simple as an app, I found myself feeling pressure everyday to get on the app and practice my Spanish so I could get enough XP points to stay in my league, or even to get 1st place.

I had to take a step back and realize that this competitive feeling (completely manufactured by the game, by the way to get people to pay to sign up) was overtaking my purpose in using the app to begin with: relearning Spanish. I don’t have to power through 10 exercises a day to relearn Spanish. The only reason I was doing that was to try and get enough points to stay in my league or win some non-tangible prize. In fact, I think I was learning even less Spanish because I was only focused on getting through the exercises for the points, and I was putting completely unnecessary pressure on myself because deep down, I thought that if I fell down a league or didn’t get a prize, it meant that I wasn’t good enough, or that I had failed. Damn.

I’ve had this feeling ingrained in me for so long that it’s been (and will continue to be) a challenge trying to get rid of it. To remind myself that I’m worthy simple for being human, simply for existing, and simply for being who I am. I don’t need to win prizes or games. I don’t need to be the best at everything, or even anything. I can be the worst at absolutely everything and still have worth.

I’ve started to give myself a goal in Duolingo of just doing some kind of practice everyday. They give you daily goals and I’ve found it helps for me to focus on just achieving those. If I fall down a league? So what. I’m still practicing and learning and that was my whole reason for doing the app to begin with.

So often life is made into a race or a competition. We have to be the best, the brightest, the strongest, the smartest. Writing this made me wonder if non-disabled people are competitive for the same reasons. Do they have some other underlying feelings of worthlessness that push them to feel like they have to win at everything or be the “best” at everything?

We need more reminders that we are worthy, just as we are. Life isn’t the Olympics…it’s meant to be enjoyed and to be lived, without the added pressure of us feeling like we need to be the best or have the most medals to prove to the world that we’re worthy or have something to offer. We have something to offer this world regardless of what we win, lose, achieve or don’t achieve. It’s ok to want to excel at certain things and it’s also ok to want to get a pat on the back for doing things well. When it becomes a foundation for how you see and feel about yourself and your self worth though, that’s when it’s problematic. We have something to offer no matter what we excel at or don’t excel at. We have something to offer, period.

☮️❤️