Into the 40s

I’ve often joked that I was “[insert age here] going on 80.” Really it was only half-joking because my body really does feel much older than it is a lot of the time. When I used to go to water aerobics, almost all of the ladies were in the realm of being old enough to be my grandmother’s age, but we all related over our latest aches and pains like we were peers of the same generation.

With my recent osteoporosis diagnosis, it seems that I manifested that sentiment right into reality. It’s not something that 40 year olds usually get. I’m not even sure my 96 grandma had it at any point in her life. Even my other grandma who was in a nursing home for over a decade never got it.

The one thing I had assumed all these years is that I had “good bones”. My mom has them, my grandma had them. I’ve fallen so many times and never broken a book (knock on wood) that I thought that was one thing I had going for me. Wow, was I wrong.

I’m, of course, glad that I know. If I hadn’t had my bad fall and had to have an X-ray, I wouldn’t have thought to ask for the bone density scan, thereby finding the osteoporosis. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t really upset by the news.

It’s one more thing I have to deal with when it comes to my health, but it also felt like the final straw being taken away from my independence. It’s treatable but after finally feeling like maybe I was ready to live on my own again, I felt knocked right back down (also knocked totally down by the cost of things. Landlords out here are horrible and price gouging the sh*t out of people).

I went into this new decade with some trepidation, but a lot of hope too. I felt more confident. I felt more able to speak up and be myself. I felt less likely to put up with other peoples’ BS. Those things are still true, but the hope dissipated a whole lot when I got this news. I am very much not feeling the “hot in my 40s” vibe. I am very much feeling the “I’m old and out to pasture in my 40s” vibe. I’m feeling my independence slowly slipping away.

There’s been some other stuff going on too that just makes my plate feel very very full. I’m hanging in there the best I can. Taking care of me as much as I can. Meditating, writing, turning my mind off with some good ol’ reality television, reading…all the self-care things. Trying to moderate how much of the current world events I digest because it’s getting worse by the day.

What are some of your favorite ways to take care of you when you’re going through a rough patch?

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Want to close out the post with an aside. I grew up always wanting to go to NYC. I love LA and I get excited every time I see it on a show or movie, knowing I live in the same state. But New York City was always this far away, mystical city—so different from anything I’d grown up around. I’d always wanted to go at Christmas time too—an item I checked off my bucket list. It was magical.

I was able to go back in 2009 and stay with the same lovely family friends I had out there. My mom went with me too. We went to 3 Broadway musicals. I love the theatre so much, and seeing a Broadway show was a dream come true. Our friend got us tickets for the preview of Hair (shows often have previews before they officially “open'“ on Broadway). My inner hippie was so happy. To this day, I’ve never been to a musical or play where I felt so much like a part of it. It’s a beautiful, funny, meaningful, honest, and incredibly sad show. The actor who played the lead role of Claude was mesmerizing. His voice got me right in the gut. One of the best things about Broadway shows is you can usually wait outside after and the actors will come out and meet you and sign your Playbill. We were lucky enough to meet so many members of the cast, including Gavin Creel who played Claude. I didn’t get a photo with him, I got this funny, model-looking photo of him instead (below), but he was beyond kind to us. He took the time to talk to all of us and ask us questions, not just opting to sign the Playbill and walk away. I can’t remember exactly what he said that night, but I remember how I felt after we left because of him.

[Image Description: Broadway actor Gavin Creel smiles for photos outside the theatre after his lead performance in Hair]

I saw Gavin again in the Book of Mormon in L.A. L.A shows are different from NYC ones, especially in that you can’t usually meet the actors afterward. This time though, Gavin and a couple of the other actors were out in the lobby collecting money for Broadway Cares. My roommate and I pooled some money together so I could go give it to Gavin. He was standing on top of the bar in the lobby with a bucket. I was so self-conscious I almost just put the money in the bucket and left. But I faced my fear and as he turned toward me, before I put the money in the bucket, I told him I had been a fan since I saw him in Hair years before that. His face lit up and he thanked me and grabbed my hand to shake/hold it.

Gavin passed away yesterday at the far too young age of 48. He didn’t even get the option to age. Some people may think it’s silly to have so many feels about the passing of someone you never really knew. I think, though, sometimes you meet people in life that just have that light, that vibe. You can feel their kindness through even a short encounter, and when they’re someone you look up to, someone who does something that maybe once upon a time you might have wanted to do too, I think that stays with you. He’s tied with such a joyful memory in my life too, seeing Hair. And when that kind of person is taken from this world, you feel it. I’ve been listening to the Hair soundtrack on repeat this week and watching clips of Gavin on YouTube. This is one of him singing the song that hit me right in the gut with the company of Hair. The original scene from the musical is on YouTube but if you know the way Hair ends, it just felt too morbid to include. RIP you sweet man.

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