On Self-Love
Disability and Determination is a weekly newsletter about my experience living with a rare disability…with a little bit of meditation, pop culture, and other random things thrown in. If you like this post, give me a like with the ❤️ symbol below. This will help me get discovered by others on Substack. Drop your email in the field at the bottom and click the Subscribe button to be notified of future posts, or if you want to contribute, I offer a paid subscription option (that includes extra monthly content), or you can Buy Me a Coffee ☕
If someone has a problem with me, they can tell me. Otherwise, I’m operating under the assumption that everything is fine.
As I approach my 40th year, this is a motto I’ve been trying to live by more. Growing up with a disability, the messaging I got is that I wasn’t enough. In fact, I was actually flawed. It was going to be harder for people to like me…harder for people to love me, even. That mentality and lack of belief in myself had one big side effect: I thought I had to get everyone to like me no matter what, otherwise it would prove that there was something wrong with me, and that I was in fact, unlovable.
I’m a sensitive person anyway, but that combined with the above was a draining combination on my thoughts and emotions. If someone stopped talking to me, didn’t respond to a message, or any other number of things that seemed to indicate distance, I would assume that I had done something wrong. They must have been mad at me. I’m still guilty of falling in to that trap sometime still. Habits can be hard to break. I’m also guilty of sometimes giving people the silent treatment when I’m upset instead of telling them how I feel, so I have some opportunity for growth on the other end too.
The reality though is that other people’s behavior almost always has nothing to do with us. We’re all going through stuff. We all get busy, preoccupied, etc. I realized that my belief that I had to have done something wrong to elicit someone’s behavior was kind of selfish too. The world doesn’t revolve around me and I just don’t have that much power in people’s lives.
That’s what led me to the belief that, instead of creating all of these stories and narratives in my head of what I could have done or what might have gone wrong, I was just going to give people the space to let me know if I’d done something wrong. I wasn’t going to assume. There’s no point expelling all of that mental energy trying to figure something out that might not even be true. We’re all adults, so if I’ve done something to hurt or offend someone, then they can tell me. Obviously if I know for sure I’ve done something wrong or hurt someone, it’s on me to take accountability and apologize for that. But if it’s not that clear cut, then I don’t know what I don’t know.
I’ve lost several friendships over the last couple of years. That would have completely crushed me not that long ago. It would have validated what I mentioned earlier—that I wasn’t worth anything, including being friends with. It would have eaten me up that I might have been the cause of the friendship ending. I would have done anything to try to fix it, to the point of apologizing, even if I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Now though, I don’t look at those losses as a personal thing. Sometimes people come into your life for a reason or a season. Sometimes people just grow apart. If I did do something to hurt the other person or cause the end of the friendship, I would want that person to feel comfortable enough to tell me, but I can’t play a guessing game either. No matter what though, I know those losses don’t mean there’s something wrong with me. They don’t mean I’m unlovable.
This may not sound like an obvious form of self-care, but it is. There are so many ways to practice self-love and self-care that go beyond bubble baths and manicures. One of the best I’ve learned is to remind yourself that you are worthy and you are loved and that what other people think of you is none of your business or your concern. Or to quote Eleanor Roosevelt:
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
On that topic, I bought this a few months ago and it’s been a great tool for me to use a little bit everyday to help reinforce the self-love message I’m trying to carry throughout. There are a lot of gimmicky things out there or things that end up making you feel guilty or overwhelmed, but this workbook isn’t any of those things. It really helps you dive into why you might be lacking self-love and gives you great exercises and mediations to do to reinforce how awesome you are.
Wishing you all a happy weekend ❤️
What Made Me Happy This Week 🌞💞
The Paralympics - The Games kicked off yesterday. I’m so glad I got my Peacock subscription back because they definitely have the best coverage of everything. USA Network seems to be the primary cable network airing it. I cried during the first five minutes of the Opening Ceremony. The same Art Director did both the Olympic and Paralympic Opening Ceremony so they were equally as Avant Garde and artsy. The very first number was intended to show how society claims to be inclusive but keeps people from disabilities out of the conversation. I mean, wow. Someday I hope they put as much money into both opening ceremonies…and that they have Snoop Dogg for both. Though I very much appreciated the appearance of French singer Christine and the Queens. I shared the video for one of my favorite songs of his below.
Lifting weights - I haven’t been able to do my regular workout routine because of my ankle so I’ve been lifting weights at night instead. I think my physical/occupational therapist would be proud 😂 It gives me that mental health boost I need and I can feel the difference in my arms which is helping with the ankle stuff too.
This post a friend sent on Instagram. If you were a fellow “good kid” like me, I hope this soothed you as much as it did me:
Love this and you. xo
Love this! Thanks for the reminders of the importance of valuing ourselves. It’s crucial to be reminded that others’ opinions are out of our control.