Walk the Walk(er)

[Image Description: Author Jackie is sitting on Red her walker holding up two giant floral print balloons in the shape of “40”. She’s wearing a yellow floral print dress, a gold headband, sunglasses, and a big smile.]

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Disability and Determination is a weekly newsletter about my experience living with a rare disability…with a little bit of meditation, pop culture, and other random things thrown in. If you like this post, give me a like with the ❤️ symbol below. This will help me get discovered by others on Substack. Drop your email in the field at the bottom and click the Subscribe button to be notified of future posts, or if you want to contribute, I offer a paid subscription option (that includes extra monthly content), or you can Buy Me a Coffee ☕

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Since I hurt my ankle, I’ve had to start using my walker more regularly (I took her for a spin at work this week even) and I’ve been wearing my ankle brace everyday. This combo gave me a massive realization recently: I actually don’t want people to think that I’m using the walker just because I hurt my ankle.

You may be wondering why that’s such a big thing that I needed to write a post about it. But as someone who has spent a lot of their life not wanting to appear disabled or who has just wanted to “blend in”, actually preferring that people think I’m using a walker because I’m permanently disabled is a huge step. It means I’m actually ok with people knowing that I’m disabled and actually preferring that they see me that way when they see me using my walker. The Jackie of not that long ago would have actually felt relief if people thought I was only using a walker because I had hurt my ankle and was wearing a brace. It would have meant that I was maybe still passing as non-disabled. But I don’t want people to think that anymore.

I did a high tea with some friends on Sunday as a part of my ongoing birthday celebrations. I proudly walked with Red right though the entire outdoor patio to get to our seats. I got a whole lot of stares but I didn’t care. I think people get confused seeing a younger person using a walker, but I also think because of glaring overall societal ignorance, people don’t expect to see an attractive young woman walking with confidence with a walker. I’ve literally been told by people before that I don’t “look” disabled because I’m pretty and what kind of bullsh*t message is that to send?

I was proud to show people that you can be both pretty, disabled, AND use a mobility aid. Beauty is not just what you see on TV and your Instagram feed.

Because of all the feedback and pushback I’ve gotten over the years for not “looking” disabled, I’ve really tried to make myself more seen as I’ve gotten older to show people that disability doesn’t just look one way. It’s a big reason why I write too. And yes, some days I might use a walker and some days I might not. Some days I might be able to stand longer than others. Some days I may have trouble moving at all. Some days I may have a lot of pain. Some days I may have less. Disability doesn’t just look “one way” in these areas either.

All days I am beautiful and disabled. I am proud that I feel that way even some of the time now after so many years of feeling the complete opposite, and just wanting to hide and to be invisible. I hope you feel the same way too.

What Made Me Happy This Week++ 🌞💞

I’ve been busy this month so this is gonna cover more than a week 😊

• Tamsin Chennell wrote a great post also on the topic of mobility aids and all of the feelings that getting new ones entails. It’s a really beautiful piece.

  Making a Big Decision - choosing mobility aids

• I did my first energy healing in Sedona - I am very into what my friend Sandra Ann Miller refers to as “woo woo” stuff and have wanted to do one of these for a while. Sedona has what’s known as a vortex that’s supposed to have all kind of healing properties so it felt like the perfect place to do this. I’m also of the mindset that if something helps you, then that’s all that really matters. Maybe there are people that will take advantage of you and maybe it’s all hooey, but if you get some kind of healing from it, then it’s worth it in my book. The energy healing certainly had some parts that would make you laugh, but I really came away with something. I actually experienced some healing with something I’ve been struggling with for a while to the point of tears. She also gave me some tools to use whenever challenging situations arise again.

• I had one of the best dinners with my friend on our girls trip to Sedona. If you’re ever there, I highly recommend Hideaway House. It’s built to be like a treehouse and the views are absolutely incredible. It’s super low key too and has great service. Thank you for coming to my Yelp Review.

[Image Description: The view from the Hideaway House outdoor patio. A massive towering red and beige rock against a bright blue sky. A cluster of green trees runs across the front.]

Also in honor of my trip, my musical installment of this post ended up being a favorite song that my friend and I didn’t know we both loved until we set out on our road trip together. I was lucky enough to see them perform at the Grand Ol Opry in Nashville too. I’ve never seen the music video though and wow 😂

Happy weekend everyone!