Why I'm Still Angry
Most of my 2020-21 posts on my previous platform were me venting my anger about the pandemic (save for a brief period where I tried to find something positive in each day to try and boost my mental health). Since then, I’ve tried to focus on other things, both in my writing and in my life.
But the reality is, COVID is still very much a part of my life. It has to be. As new waves come and go, and it doesn’t go anywhere, I don’t have a choice. Some people would argue that. I’ve had plenty of people, including friends, act like I’m completely unreasonable for still caring and for still trying to not get COVID. I know people are judging me when I’m out wearing a mask.
The thing is though, is I have to care. Long COVID is a real thing that affects anyone and everyone. Yes, they’re starting to learn more about it, but not enough for me to feel safe enough to do certain things or go maskless most places. My good friend just posted this article on Facebook the other day. And what does it say in said article?
The tissue samples from long COVID patients also revealed severe muscle damage, a disturbed immune response, and a buildup of microclots.
Please direct your attention to the words “severe muscle damage”. I already have holes in all of my muscle cells. My entire body is already weak. I don’t even want to begin to imagine what “severe muscle damage” could do to my body. Later on in the article, it talks about the muscles beginning to atrophy. This is a common side effect of most forms of muscular dystrophy, but currently isn’t a side effect of my particular type.
Those are just the potential physical ramifications of getting COVID/Long COVID too. That doesn’t even cover the potential financial or life ramifications. What if I couldn’t earn a living anymore or even get out of bed? There’s no real precedent for filing for disability because of Long COVID either (obviously yes, I have a pre-existing condition already so that’s a little different than if I didn’t) and a lot of people get denied. If you are able to actually get on disability, a lot people think that means you’re rolling in the dough, but news flash, it’s barely enough to live off of, especially where I live, and you can’t have any other forms of income if you do get it. Strongly recommend reading
and her story for information on what a battle that can be:
I know I could get COVID and be totally fine…a lot of people have been. I’m just not willing to play Russian Roulette with my life and my body. As someone who lives with my parents and has friends with underlying health conditions too, I’m not willing to play Russian Roulette with their bodies either. We’ve all been through too much already.
But I’m still very very angry. I’m angry that I feel like I can’t say that I’m still scared to get COVID because people think I’m unreasonable if I do, especially because our genius leaders just decided to declare it was over and a lot of people actually believed them. I’m angry that it feels like I’ll be seen as a whiner or complainer for saying what I feel about all this. I’m angry that I still have to wear a mask when so many others get to go on with their lives like this is no big deal. I’m angry that I feel like myself and a handful of others are still taking this seriously. I’m angry that even many of the other disabled people I follow seem to have given up. Am I supposed to give up too? I’m angry that I allow myself to feel guilty for wanting to ask other people to wear masks or take certain safety protocols before they see me, and I’m angry that I never have the guts to do it anyway. I’m angry that I’m never going to get my pre-COVID life back. That I’m going to have to do risk analysis for everything I want to do for what seems like, the rest of my life. I’m angry that literally nothing is the same anymore after COVID hit. I’m angry that I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to travel again, because how do you that not eating indoors and always wearing a mask? I’m angry that so many people just stopped caring. We’re all tired of this, trust me. I’m not supposed to take these things personally because there’s no point, but I do sometimes. Most of all, I’m angry that for most of my life, I felt like I was behind all my peers, and now I feel like almost everyone has just left me behind.
I try not to linger in these headspaces too much because I won’t be able to function anymore if I do. Feeling sorry for myself won’t get rid of COVID and it won’t make people suddenly start to care. I felt the anger building up over the last couple of weeks though, and I needed to get it out. All I can do is focus on what I can control. To try to be safe but still have fun. To spend time with the people who love and care about me and understand why I have to do what I do (thank you to all of you by the way). To try to find the simple joys like I talked about in my last post.
Thank you for reading and am going to leave you with one of my favorite meditation chants (courtesy of Ten Percent Happier):
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe
May you live with ease
You know I've not taken off my mask and likely never will. Even at dinner tonight, the patio doors were closed (it's very cold an windy in L.A. right now, so I understood, but still...), but we sat in line with the open door and I was thankful for the high ceilings. Friends know, I want to sit on the patio or as close to it as possible, rain or shine. If I go to a museum or exhibit, mask is on. Grocery store, mask is on. Inside my office building and elevator or in a car with friends I deeply love -- MASK IS ON! You have an ally in me, even if we are in different counties/worlds. Be proud to be the one that stands out, Jackie. You're smarter than the masses. And that wisdom benefits not only you. Here's to remaining NOVIDS, my friend. xo
Thank you for including my link here, Jackie, but moreover, thank you for putting into words what so many of us are feeling right now. I continue to be astounded that most people are walking around maskless and carefree, having had COVID 1-4 times by now, not understanding the risks they are taking. Someone I know today was telling me how fatigued they’ve been, how they can’t seem to get out of bed. I asked how many times they had COVID, and they responded with “twice - that I know of.” The dots just aren’t being connected, and partly that’s the fault of the media and our governments for not driving home the facts as we know them by now - that repeat infections increase risks for all sorts of brain, heart, and lung problems, as well as gut problems, the blood clotting issues, and muscle dysfunction.
Big hugs to you, Jackie. Find your circle of people who will take any precautions you ask of them; I have had my friend pool narrowed, but I have many who still think it’s worth it to see me under any conditions I ask.