A Work in Progress?

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[Image Description: Author holds the tag from the end of her tea bag up. On it reads: Be kind to others, but always be compassionate to yourself.]

As I get older, I have mixed feelings about describing myself using the phrase “work in progress.” I think its generally meant as a positive thing, but at what point does wanting to grow and change become a to-do list item? At what point does it crossover into being a punishment for ourselves? “I’m a work in progress so I really need to fix all of these things about myself!”

I had a conversation with a coworker about this many years ago. I said something about being a work in progress myself and he essentially said that he thought we just are who we are. I’ve thought about that conversation ever since.

Like so many things, I don’t think it’s one or the other. It’s not black and white. I think it’s perfectly ok to want to better yourself, but in our social media/perfection saturated culture, that can also veer into unhealthy territory too often. It becomes “I’m not good enough, so I need to do all these things to make myself better.” Do this. Do that. Read thing. Read that. This will help. This won’t help.

The other challenge that calling ourselves “works in progress” can bring up (at least it has for me) is this idea that there’s an end result, a destination. At some point, we’ll have completed our progress and we’ll be done. Change and progress aren’t linear. I’ve had a really hard time learning that. I always think I should be able to hear something once and then I’ll be forever changed. Or if I truly loved myself, that I wouldn’t have any days where I feel like crap about myself. But that’s just not how it works because we’re human. We have good days and bad days, especially when it comes to how we feel about ourselves.

I think we all could benefit from just accepting ourselves as who we are. Accepting, appreciating, and loving ourselves for who we are. Way easier said than done of course.

Speaking from personal experience, I can be very hard on myself. I talked in a previous post about my love of self-help books that’s waned a bit now because I was overwhelming myself with all of these things I was “supposed” to do or thought I needed to fix about myself in order to gain some kind of self-love or happiness. My version of being a “work in progress” meant I wasn’t good enough and I needed to do whatever possible to make myself good enough.

I can still acknowledge I have some things to work on, but not because I think I’m flawed and need “fixing.” I have some things to work on because I deserve them, because I want to be authentic, and because I want to stand up for myself. Because I want to have some kind of serenity in my life and my mind. I also want to be seen as who I really am, not the amalgamation of all of my past experiences, societal and other people’s expectations that I’ve been for so long.

I want to work on those things because I love and accept myself for who I am. Because I want to become even more of who I am. Not because I think I’m unworthy or not enough as I am.

And even by working on these things, it doesn't mean applying all this pressure to myself to have it all figured out right now. Progress not perfection. I have almost 40 years of reasons for struggling with certain things, and you can’t just snap your fingers and undo all of that. It takes practice and some real introspection (and even therapy sometimes). I’ve been quiet and timid and people-pleasing for a long time. I felt like I’d be worthless if no one liked me. That’s a hard habit and pattern to break.

So, yes there can be things we’re working on—that we want to work on—but that doesn’t mean we need to consider ourselves a lifelong project. This isn’t building a house where at the end of it, there’s a big beautiful structure to move into. We’re already that big, beautiful structure. Maybe we want to renovate a room or put on a new coat of paint, but at the foundation, we’re still great just the way we are.

Always curious to hear what your thoughts are though and how you interpret the idea of being a “work in progress.”

Here are some great articles on self-love and acceptance that I’ve found too:

• Be Good to Yourself - 10 Powerful Ways to Practice Self-Love

• The Haven
  really spoke to me and the parts I often have trouble accepting about myself with this one:

  Quiet, sensitive, empathetic, introverted

• I recently bought this from Amazon. My skepticism about self-love reading materials when there before I clicked “Buy” but then I looked at some of the interior pages and I liked that it truly is a workbook with quizzes and thought-provoking exercises to actually help you practice self-love. Sometimes I don’t even know where to start and this helps get me going.