When I Wasn't Looking
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“I met someone when I wasn’t looking”…
I actually hate this statement as it pertains to finding a significant other. I get the idea behind it—when you get more settled in yourself and take a step back, sometimes things you’ve always wanted will come your way.
The problem with this saying though is it sets an expectation. An expectation that all you have to do is just stop trying and stop looking and then poof, that person will find you.
I told myself this particular saying for a long, long time. I haven’t been on a date since about 2018. There were plenty of other times pre-COVID when I had nothing to do with the dating apps and wasn’t even remotely interested in dating too. And you know what happened? Nothing. I did not meet someone. That special person did not just randomly find me.
These days, my social life is a lot less than it was because of COVID. But back then, I had a pretty darn good social life. So meeting someone wasn’t because of a lack of opportunities. And you can’t really be on dating apps if you “aren’t looking.”
Even though we’re in 2024 (aka the year of going totally backwards yet again), there’s still very much a “single stigma” where people think it’s an abnormal state to be in, or that something must be wrong with you if you’re not in a relationship, especially by a certain age. So I think some of these sayings come out of trying to make people feel better if they haven’t found someone yet. The problem comes in when you’re doing what the aforementioned saying says, and you’re still not meeting someone. That sends the message that you’re doing something “wrong” or that it’s something wrong with you if it hasn’t worked out for you yet. People with disabilities get enough of that messaging in the dating world as it is.
The whole time I wasn’t looking back then, I think I still wanted to find someone. That’s the part the saying doesn’t address. Are you supposed to stop thinking about finding someone altogether? Are you supposed to not want to find someone anymore? I needed more information!
Alternatively, dating these days is almost solely done online which in and of itself means “looking”…unless you’re totally inactive on dating apps. I had a manager who met her boyfriend by making dating almost like a second job in her life, she told me. She had to go on a whole lot of dates to find someone.
At this point in my life, I’m very happy not looking, even though I know being in a relationship would make certain parts of my life easier. I no longer operate under the assumption that my not looking means someone is just going to find me someday either. I don’t say that out of pessimism. I say that out of satisfaction and acceptance. I’m open if someone still does find me, but I’m not going to hold myself to impossible-to-achieve sayings and rules and supposed tos. None of us need to.
I want to share something I saw on Instagram last week that is very much in line with the topic of this stack and left me awash in relief and the feeling of freedom (I transcribed it below too):
none of it is real -
the societal timelines,
the expectations.
the rules we follow that were set for us
by strangers who do not know us
and do not know our lives.
it’s all made up
and yet, we let it destroy us.
achieve this by that age.
get there by this time.
it’s bullshit.
it was created and contrived.
fabricated as an invisible yardstick,
and we let it pull us around
let it go.
I give you permission
to let it all go.
observe how much freer you are,
and how much less of a failure you feel.
you haven’t failed when none of it is real.
“I met someone when I wasn’t looking”… This is how it happened for me. We dated for 6 years, were married for 12 (no kids, thank God), and now I've been divorced for almost 6 years. I don't plan to date or marry ever again. Initially, Mr. Ex and I found each other through Matchmaker.com before meeting in person--by accident--a week later. I feel that dating apps these days are nothing but people wanting hook-ups not real relationships. It's just not worth it. I'd rather be alone--prefer it, actually--and I'm REALLY here for it. LOL Like Alisa said, I'm good in my own company.
I love this piece you've shared... people so often make life into a foot race and it's all made up nonsense. I love finally knowing I'm good in my own company... no apps required. And there's nothing actually wrong with that :)